Anonymous Feather…

A poem by Madhumathi H.

A swirling leaf, drifting feather in the wind
Distract my long gaze at the colorless space
The crisp blue sky trying to cheer my soul
While the golden shower blossoms, sway like wind chimes…
Unable to write poems, my heart crumbled, I felt lost
“Let your poems rest too, while you recuperate”, consoled the mind
Oh the crushing bone-crumbling ache, and fatigue
Too tired to feel tired, too
Wanting to soak for hours, in the warmth of Eucalyptus
Or some piping hot ginger tea, to slide through a parched throat
Being Positive is not always a passport to happiness
I felt lost, admitting better half at the hospital, with welled up eyes
“We will try our best”, left a lump in my throat
Reality at its harshest injects numbness…
Tears silently flowed, as the cab moved
But the setting sun gave hope with a golden glow…
Reached home to my pillar of strength, my darling daughter
I Ate, slept, trying to believe things will be okay
It was morning and comes to a call “you are tested positive”, and I grinned wryly…
Aged ailing parents, knew nothing of the storm
Heart’s firm decision not to reveal, not to break them more…
The silence was all I chose to heal
Unattended calls, unreplied messages, waiting
Amid the turbulence, Dad drooped, so his will…

Juggling is easier as long as we are spectators
Storms slowly crossed, yet, facing was painful
One day at a time, yet draining
Claustrophobic, turned my heart
Confined within four walls
The world around was opaque…
The wanderlust me, not stepping out of the door
Hiding distancing from loved ones…
Only a little have I vented, abstractly
Please do not say, “It is so for all”…
Gratitude never fails to fill my heart
Food on a plate, a cozy home, love, support, prayers from souls around
Blessed with several best, while many struggles for their bread, and breath
Yet! Yet! Yet!
I felt lost every time I saw the oximeter
Never heard before, never 99 in Math but this device was kind…
Should I smile, or sigh? For I often flunked at school…
I felt lost when I heard cliches, “This too shall pass…”
Don’t we all know that? Haven’t we crossed storms before?
Toxic positivity was aching! “Stay strong” tasted sour, crumpled me…
How would I explain, I cried unable to understand how I feel

Sometimes, I wanted to cry, pour out, but too weak to shed tears
Anger and helplessness were twins, that often attacked me

Silence, my space, my cocoon are my therapy
The same often questioned, disturbed
Leaving me staring at the impatience of the world!
Prayers? What do I pray, for whom shall I pray?!
HELPLESS, and lost, was how it often felt
So many lives disappear from Earth, while am here alive
Writing, rather than trying to write my tangled emotions
Tears too betrayed me, leaving my eyes
Numb, dry, as I stared at the untranslatable sky
While it made efforts to send love, through the birds, blue, and peace-textured clouds…

A daughter isolated
A dad in need of her shoulder
Near, yet far, and I felt lost
Mom making calls, our usual chit-chat happened
I proved I could act well if given a role…
While some light showed up at the tunnel’s end
Came to a thunderbolt, rushing Dad to the doctor
Double-masked, one for the heart too, faking courage, stepped out
Doctors are saviors, warriors indeed…
I still stare, feeling lost, wondering why I write
But I know, I will feel heard as I write
Why stay trapped in the unspoken, suffer the burden of the inexplicable
Am one of those chosen voices for the voiceless, too
Little acts of kindness, I could do amid chaos

The happiness of others was a vitamin for my soul
If a Sakha Sakhi, a random stranger find shelter, shade in my words
If someone understands, feeling broken is OKAY
If the world acknowledges, resting is nourishment too
If the world gets kinder to embrace tears, and each other’s ‘lost’ feeling…
If this would be read in empathy, I would feel healed too
For I have written not just for self, but for the world, uninhibited
There is so much joy and beauty around
to celebrate in gratitude

There is still hope sprouting in our hearts
There is so much of ache, waiting to be seen, cared for, and healed
There are so many souls waiting to be understood
Before we twist our party poppers and switch on the fairy lights…
I felt lost, yet, I had my anchors, angels to hold me, and shoulders to lean on
Reminding me to be so, for others
I felt lost, in moments phases of life, I can keep writing on
But I restore myself, find my answers
In all the words I so soaked in tears, gratitude, and loads of love…